The faces behind the stories!

The faces behind the stories!
My little Loves.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Professional Loser

Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. 

If there is something that I'm thankful for on my journey of health, it is that. I'm so thankful that my God does not scrutinize me based on my sin of gluttony. It is my task to allow the Spirit of Life to win over the sin, but I'm so thankful that He has grace when I'm pummeled. That's typically the truth too. It's not like a eat a tiny bit too much. On the day that I cave, it is in full force and I feel pummeled when it's all said and done.

I find myself, often, torn between transparency and self consciousness. I'd like to find myself transparent in my struggle with weight and health. I think there are enough people in this world who walk in that struggle with me, that I should be an encouragement through my ability to share: THIS IS HARD! There is always that part of me that thinks, "What will they think of me?"... There is this shock when a woman is willing to share her weight, but I find a freedom in honesty and transparency. Does it freak me out to say I was once 265 pounds... yes. That's a heavy MAN, but it was me.

No matter if I'm 265 or 170, I can find myself at such a place of sadness if I feel like I'm failing myself in health. When I'm walking and/or watching what I'm eating, it also doesn't matter the weight; I feel successful. When I am giving an honest effort, I am comforted and strengthened.
In 2008, I weighed 265 in January. On 1/23/08 I decided to change. By the end of the year, I weighed 170 pounds. Some life circumstances hit, and I fell back onto old emotional eating habits. Throughout the next year, I made my way back to 235. Such a sad moment to realize I reversed so many countless work outs and moments of self denial.

A couple of months ago, I went to visit a nutritionist. She told me I was a "Professional Loser." That might sound offensive, but I got a kick out of it. I know how to lose weight, but my struggle is learning to keep it off. I get so strict with myself that I live a life nobody could ever live forever.

So, the picture above was a snack I had with my boys today. It was actually difficult for me to order a donut because I have been SO strict with my eating lately. I'm down to 203 and I am SO EXCITED to be back under 200 again. It's coming soon, but it needs to come healthy. So, all things in moderation. I need to get my brain to understand that a donut is not the end of me. You might chuckle at that, but it's always been "All or nothing" to me. If I have a donut, I'd have 5... if I'm eating healthy, I eat EXACTLY 1200 calories. Too strict equals a sure meltdown which equals discouragement and self condemnation. I MUST grow above that.

I have to add, one more thing I am very thankful for in my journey to health is my husband. This man just loves me. I know that he wants me to be healthy and he wants to enjoy great times together... but, he has never once... NOT ONCE talked down to me because of my weight or said anything that hurt my feelings. Even when I was 265, he treated me the same as when I was 170. That's amazing to me and I love him to death for being my supporter... now, his "Must have sweets at night on the couch"... not so much! LOL (He will wait and eat it after I've gone to bed if I need him to... so, he's still loved!)

In this journey, my boys are seeing my struggle and I am open with them about it. We have talked about how having extra fat on our bodies can have bad affects on our health and energy and all sorts of things. Joe LOVES that I'm walking. He didn't even realize I was walking so much after I dropped him off at school. The other day, when I picked him up in the car, I drove the route that Matthew and I walk after we drop him off. He said, "Wow Mama, you must be getting really un-fat!" HA HA HA... such a proud little statement from him and it made me smile.

I am who I am. Another thing the nutritionist asked me was, "What is your goal weight?" I have always said 155. BUT, I've come to realize it is more like 175. If I were 155, it might be my ultimate perfection weight, but it is not sustainable by ME... when I realize who I am. I will not work out every day of my life and I will not eat perfect every day of my life, so I will stay at a comfortable 175 (when I get there!). It's freeing to realize I can be, not what "perfection" is.

I just wanted to share these things because I know there are others who struggle. I understand. I truly and deeply understand the struggle, the tears, the joys, the PAIN and I'm rooting for you! It's freeing to be honest and there is therefore NO condemnation in Christ Jesus... Don't allow the devil to beat you up over a donut (or 5, or 10)... Do your best where you are and don't be afraid when you fail because we have the rest of our lives to pick ourselves up and start again! ;)

With much love...

The Professional Loser


  1. You've made me feel a lot better about those days that I eat an entire package of saltine crackers or cave in and buy that yummy blizzard. I also know very well the "all or nothing" game. You're such an inspiration. I'm so glad you shared.

  2. I was hoping my sharing would help someone! ;) It's nice to realize you're not alone, isn't it? Good luck with the crackers and ice cream! ;)