The faces behind the stories!

The faces behind the stories!
My little Loves.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

My not so great Mama moments...

Ok, so I have had a few requests from people that I be open with my "not so great mama moments." It seems, most of my stories paint me in a picture of the perfect mom... but, the truth is, those are just my favorite moments! ha ha ha Who wants to sit around and ponder over their mess ups? Certainly not me. BUT, for the sake of the requests... I ponder with you.

I've come to realize the bedtime routine is where my good mom role kind of crumbles. No matter how great of a day it's been, by the bedtime routine I am T-I-R-E-D! Sometimes, I allow us to continue with an activity, or stay at someones house a bit later than I probably should, just in avoidance of said routine. =)

So, tonight, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was doing SO GOOD... I spent special time with Matthew in his room... some tickles, some prayers, some loves. I even got a little, "You're the best mom ever!" from his sweet little voice.... Tucked him all in and moved on to Joe's room. Now, Joe... well, he's a bit more tough with the bedtime routine. He's a kid who has to have things the same way, or the way he expects each time or it can very easily lead to a melt down. As I've previously blogged, he always has to stop me, just as I'm about to close his door for one last thing to say... even if there is nothing to say and he has to come up with it real fast! *sigh*... BUT, tonight, I was proud of myself. I gave him love and even stopped to hear his last comment with out any annoyed tone or promise of discipline if he did not be quiet! =)

THEN... I noticed Matthew's door had been re-opened. Now this offense, that little offense is enough to instantly get me frustrated. Should it be that big of a deal, I don't know... but my expectation is: When I close this door, you stay in bed!"... I turned on his light and he was laying on his bed. He said, "Mama, I'd like you to sing me the Sunshine song please?"...

Here's where my evening started to crumble on my "good mom status."

I looked at him and started in, "You are not allowed to get out of your bed when Mama puts you in and closes that door."... I was in the process of giving my shpeel (sp?) and saying no to singing when his bottom lip started to quiver. I thought of Steven Curtis Chapman, who I had listened to earlier in the day, when he shared his wish that he could dance with his little girl (who passed away) one more time.

Here's where "Good mama" comes back into play.

I leaned in to kiss him. I softened my voice, and I started to run my fingers across his forehead... "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray....." His little eyes closed and he melted at my touch. I just wanted to cry.... both from his pure sweetness and from my lack of ability to drop the drill Sargent sometimes and just love on them.

I think I get overwhelmed with being alone with them so often and I stay in Sargent mode almost to protect myself... I can handle it "there." But, what brings me tears is... One day, when they are older, I'm going to want them to desire to come to me when they are hurting, or when they are happy, or when they are bored... when they just want someone who they know loves them and will be kind and tender with their hearts. I'm scared that my drill Sargent ways will push me out of 1st place for that person they desire to run to.

I always hear, "Don't major in the minors" and "pick your battles" and other sayings like that. The struggle for me is, this world has become so laxed in their discipline that I'm surrounded by young adults and children with no respect. I do not want my sons to grow up thinking that is ok, so it's hard for me to pick a battle and not major in the minors. I get nervous that if I let things go, they will digress... So, I stay on top of so much and I am the drill Sargent... sometimes, even with the voice that sounds like one; I'm sad to admit.

So my dear friends who have asked... there you have it. I do believe I am a good mama and I do believe that my boys are great boys and they will grow up knowing expectations as well as love... but, this is a tough job and all I can do is my best... and, on this blog, I will tend to share my fun and victory moments as to not beat myself up by going over my downfalls.... although, I know it is refreshing to hear someone else admit struggle... so, I may just share sometimes too.

Now, after Joe has interrupted me writing this 2 times from getting out of bed, and I promise I have not yelled at him or overreacted... I do need to go make sure he is in bed to stay... whether or not the drill Sargent comes out is entirely up to Joe at this moment! lol


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