I leaned in to kiss him. I softened my voice, and I started to run my fingers across his forehead... "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray....." His little eyes closed and he melted at my touch. I just wanted to cry.... both from his pure sweetness and from my lack of ability to drop the drill Sargent sometimes and just love on them.
I think I get overwhelmed with being alone with them so often and I stay in Sargent mode almost to protect myself... I can handle it "there." But, what brings me tears is... One day, when they are older, I'm going to want them to desire to come to me when they are hurting, or when they are happy, or when they are bored... when they just want someone who they know loves them and will be kind and tender with their hearts. I'm scared that my drill Sargent ways will push me out of 1st place for that person they desire to run to.
I always hear, "Don't major in the minors" and "pick your battles" and other sayings like that. The struggle for me is, this world has become so laxed in their discipline that I'm surrounded by young adults and children with no respect. I do not want my sons to grow up thinking that is ok, so it's hard for me to pick a battle and not major in the minors. I get nervous that if I let things go, they will digress... So, I stay on top of so much and I am the drill Sargent... sometimes, even with the voice that sounds like one; I'm sad to admit.
So my dear friends who have asked... there you have it. I do believe I am a good mama and I do believe that my boys are great boys and they will grow up knowing expectations as well as love... but, this is a tough job and all I can do is my best... and, on this blog, I will tend to share my fun and victory moments as to not beat myself up by going over my downfalls.... although, I know it is refreshing to hear someone else admit struggle... so, I may just share sometimes too.
Now, after Joe has interrupted me writing this 2 times from getting out of bed, and I promise I have not yelled at him or overreacted... I do need to go make sure he is in bed to stay... whether or not the drill Sargent comes out is entirely up to Joe at this moment! lol