My heart...a moment of vulnerable struggle.

I've come to a decision. The saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is not true for me anymore. There is that moment when Aaron first gets home from a business trip where we are all excited to see him, there are hugs and kisses and watching my boys jump all over their Dada and ask him to "watch this" and "Push me on the swing." That moment, or those few moments, could never lose their specialness (is that a word?). My heart will always be excited to see him walk through the door, and I will always want to hug that man and kiss his face. :)

Tonight, my heart is struggling to feel any bit of any "fonder" in this absense. I couldn't love him more and missing him just hurts. You'd think, after almost 9 years of marriage and him almost always having a travelling job, that I'd be used to it. I'm not.  I don't know why my heart has struggled more today, but it has and sometimes I just have to express my struggle.

I'm strong and God made me to be who I am in this moment, the wife that I am to the husband that I have, and the mom that I am to the boys that I have. I always look to Him and tell Him that I trust His decision and I know He loves me and will make me able to fulfill what He's called me to.  I've been brought to tears tonight with a heart that has to pour out, I've had to come before the Lord and just tell Him, "I've come up empty tonight Lord, and if you want me to be able to fulfill what You have for me, I've got to feel you pour into my hurt and comfort me with the hope you offer our lives."

Earlier today I took a turn down a random road, because I had never driven it before, but I had seen it my whole life. I was actually feeling "at peace" and oddly joyful for no good reason except that I'm blessed. :) I know that tonight also, I'm blessed. I could list so many ways that I'm blessed and I do not want to downplay my thankfulness for all of the great things in my life. God is good to me, but sometimes an honest moment, no matter how blessed we are, to be able to say, "I NEED YOU LORD," even if it's just because I'm a whinny baby with my arms held high with no apparent injury or problem other than I just want to say...."Hold me." (Or, as Matthew used to throw up his arms and say, "Hold You.")

I don't know what our future holds. I don't know how long I'll have to be creative in helping distance make my heart grow fonder instead of "sadder." I think it's a really treasured gift, atleast to me, to find a person; a friend, who is willing to "Keep it real." This post is me, keeping it real. I can do this, but I don't like it, but I'm blessed, but I miss him, but I'm thankful although whinny, and just the sheer fact that I've poured it all out... let my tears roll... and allowed myself to be vulnerable with my reality, I feel better. I know the Lord can handle all of me (it's a TALL order, I'm so thankful He is BIG enough!)... *sigh*

Here's a picture I snapped during my drive in Sonoma today. I've really been enjoying the clouds lately, I've ALWAYS enjoyed a good barn, and the grapevines are really growing on me these days. :) (the coloring isn't showing up fantastic on this page, there's a metal barn/farm in there) ;)